Reliving the scene: This is where the flashbacks happen. You continue to see or experience the scene from when you found your child. These flashbacks may be very realistic and painful, like vivid dreams.
You may feel fear, disbelief and helplessness. This can be so devastating
that it triggers anxiety or panic attacks or other psychosomatic symptoms.
I was
the one who first discovered our daughter so for me the flash backs were horrendous.
I played over and over what I did. What I could have done. What if I had changed this or done that. This did lead to Anxiety attacks that were so severe that I found myself in the Emergency Room with what
I thought was a Heart Attack. My doctor had to adjust my medications. If you experience any kind of chest pains do not pass them off as nothing.
Go to the hospital let the doctors determine the true cause.
“On Edge” or an intense tendency to be constantly alert: You
may find yourself looking around as if something is missing or forgotten. Often
parents report going in to check on their other children repeatedly through out the night just to make sure everything is
ok. This can cause you to have a hard time sleeping or concentrating. You may become angered easily or be irritable, fearful, or easily startled.
This affected me in three
parts. I could not sleep. I would go to check on my children 20-30 times a night. If they looked too peaceful I would shake them to make them move, if they were too
close to something I would move them, if their blankets were too close to their face I would pull them down.
I often had the horrible feeling as if I was forgetting something. We would pile the whole family in the car and I would stop, look around because “something wasn’t
right”. I would scan over everything and do my normal head count. That is when it would hit me. Something
wasn’t right, someone was missing.
Then I would be at the local market and I would have to look in every pumpkin seat, as if may just by chance
one of these times it would be my child in there and this whole thing would be one big misunderstanding. Only to be disappointed when I saw it was not my child and then the realization that
it will never be my child again. Now 18 months later most of these symptoms have
worked themselves out. However I still will get the feeling as if something is
not right. Only now when this happens I stop allow myself to spend a few moments
thinking of my child and I can continue with what I was doing.
Avoidance: Many parents avoid anything that may trigger a memory
of their child, or the emotional distress that was felt during those first few moments.
This can become exhausting. You may avoid where you found your child; their bedroom, your bedroom, the day care ECT… You may also find it hard to watch TV programs which remind you or trigger emotional
events. Finally you may isolate yourself from friends who also have infants or
from places where it would be hard to avoid infants.
This
is the one stage in which I still suffer through on a daily basis. I have not
held a baby since January 24, 2001. I can not get myself to do it. I am afraid of what would happen or how I will feel if I do. This
affects my work. I can not greet customers who come in with infants. If one happens to ask me a question I have to find someone else who can help them. I wish I could give some wise words as to how to move pass this.
Perhaps I will have to just force myself to do it, or maybe it is just a matter of time. Like most these other stages will time heal this wound too?
What
you have to keep in mind is that symptoms of PTSD will differ from person to person.
It will also differ depending on how or when your baby was found. We need
to consider that these symptoms can be felt by adults or children. Remember what
happened to you happened to the whole family. If you are experiencing any of
these symptoms seek help. There are many organizations (such as SIDS Resources of St. Louis) through out the country that are trained on how to help you. Call them. You are not alone.
